When does a narcissist buy you gifts?

12 pitfalls of gift giving with a narcissist

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So it is time to exchange gifts with the narcissist in your life. First, accept two things:

1. The narcissist will never be satisfied with your gift.

2. That will never change.

Here are the most common scenarios you will encounter while exchanging gifts with a narcissist, as detailed in my book: Gaslighting: Recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people - and free yourself

1. The narcissist tells you that you haven't given them enough. Does this mean that the narcissist will then give you a perfect gift to "teach you a lesson"? Perhaps to "make you one" in the beginning, but after that your gifts will be sorely lacking. However, if you ever get upset over a gift from the narcissist, you will be stonewalled (as a form of completely cut off punishment) or you will never hear the end of it.

2. There are two rules in this relationship - one for the narcissist and one for you. For the narcissist, they can play with the rules whatever they want - but you have to stick to rigid relationship rules. The narcissist can even blame you for having to "return" your gift because "I needed to get something more suitable" or because "you gave me the wrong gift". Remember, you are always going to give them the wrong gift. Always.

3. If the narcissist asks you what you want for Christmas, most likely you won't get it. Telling a narcissist what gift you want is almost a guarantee you won't get it. But if you don't pretend the narcissist's gift is the best you've ever received, the narcissist will point out that you are ungrateful or they will stonewall you.

4. You have given the narcissist so many "wrong" gifts that you decide to take the narcissist to the store so that they can choose exactly what they want. However, the narcissist does not take this well. They call you heartless and loveless. "How could you not have a present for me already?" If you explain that you thought it would be better (and maybe funnier) to get a present for him / her together, consider it an insult.

5. The narcissist may request a gift that is way outside of your price range. For the narcissist, he / she is worth this extravagant price. However, you are telling the narcissist that you really cannot afford it. The narcissist takes this as a sign of your lack of love for him / her. He / she says that you really loved him / her, you would spend whatever it takes. So you buy the gift out of guilt and shame and pay a big bill later. For the rest of your relationship, the narcissist will address the time you said a gift was too expensive. They will especially be inclined to bring it up during quarrels or when you are around their friends and family, only to embarrass you and put you "in their place".

6. The narcissist will buy you a fairly cheap gift, but he'll buy something expensive on the same shopping spree. They buy you an item of little value or thought while showing the expensive watch they bought themselves when they were in the store. Message: You don't have the same worth as me.

7. You are giving the narcissist a gift that you know they will like because they have been talking about wanting that gift for some time. They think that this time you finally gave them the "right" gift. They are happy to see them open your gift - there is no way the narcissist can tell them you gave them the wrong gift this time, can they? No, your gift will still be wrong. The narcissist will "gas" you by telling you that they never asked for this gift. Gas lighting is a hallmark of the narcissist. The narcissist is telling you that they never said anything that you swear they said - or that they twist your own words.

8. Here's a twist on number 7 above - you are getting a gift the narcissist has wanted for some time - you are sure you got it "right" this time. But the narcissist is telling you that the gift is the wrong kind or style of what they said they wanted. To top it off, the narcissist yells that you are selfish for not paying heed to what they said you wanted - and they made it "that easy" for you. They can even tell you that you are the stupidest person they have ever met. Narcissists are really good at calling other people "selfish". It is a statement that they are really making about themselves.

9. The narcissist asks for a designer cashmere sweater for Christmas. You get them a red sweater because you know it's their favorite color. The narcissist opens the gift and asks why you would get them a red sweater. Don't you know they already have two red sweaters? Why did you think they like red? What did you think you were doing? Oh, that's because you were only thinking about yourself. (Does that sound familiar to you?)

10. If the narcissist worries you about something he thinks is expensive, he will leave the price tag on your gift. This is not for the simple return of the item - the narcissist does not even attempt to cancel the price of the gift. Embassy: Look how much money I spent on you You should be grateful. You owe me something.

11. The narcissist hardly tries to wrap your presents. In the beginning, you received gifts that looked professionally wrapped. The narcissist tried to look good. However, that quickly ended in your relationship. Now you will receive gifts that are not wrapped and are still in the shopping bag. It's not that the narcissist doesn't know how to wrap presents - they just haven't thought about it that much.

12. The narcissist tends to ruin vacations with drama and stone walls. Accept that everything you do will be wrong. Even something that was accepted by the relationship rules that you must follow is now the worst violation the narcissist has ever committed. You will be blocked or verbally abused on major holidays and birthdays.

So what can you do Again accept that the narcissist will never change. The narcissist believes everyone else has a problem - not them. Take a close look at how long you plan to be exposed to this type of behavior. What toll does it take on your emotional and physical health? Consider talking to a psychologist yourself. (Narcissists will either refuse to go to a counselor, charm the counselor, and / or tell the counselor that it is all your fault.)

For more information, see my post, “Sisters of Social Service Buffalo.” “So You're In A Relationship With A Narcissist, Now What?”, Part 3 of a 3-Part Series on Narcissism and Relationships.

Stephanie Moulton Sarkis Ph.D. is the author of five books on ADHD, including the bestseller10 Simple Solutions To ADD In Adults And Natural Relief For ADHD In Adults

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