Is your daughter your best friend

BFF Mama - As a mother, can you be your daughter's best friend?

"My daughter's best friend is clearly me!" When our author hears such sentences from mothers, she is a bit skeptical. She's a mother and daughter and best friend, yes. But all at once? Is that possible?

I know what I'm saying now is shameful, but I do. Me and my daughters, we are absolutely no BFFs. We are just not. We love each other. We argue. We get along. We have a lot of fun together. But there is one small detail that still sets me apart from a good friend: Everything I know about her is immediately known to her mother. Unfortunately, I can't do anything against it, because I'm that mother. Plus, if they screwed up, I would tell them to their father immediately and without blinking an eye. I expect that of myself as a partner, because the two of us are responsible for our children, my husband and me. But this point also makes me the worst friend in the world, doesn't it?

The most terrible best mom in the world

No, I am not always well armed against the desire to be "the best" and somehow also something like a friend. But then always remember that it is not that easy. Children are also very direct in their feedback. If you give them an ice cream, you are immediately great and are overwhelmed with expressions of love. However, if you find after this ice cream that there shouldn't be a second, this status changes faster than you could wallow in their love. Zack, are you terribly mean, to be precise, the most general of all. It can go that fast. And that's a bit too fickle for a friendship. Also, I want my friends to bloody as much ice cream as they want. Because, in my opinion, friendship and upbringing don't go too well on some points.

My mother and I

I'm not just a mother, I'm a daughter too, and one of the most blessed ones. Even though (or maybe because) we weren't best friends. She managed to let go of me more selflessly than a friend would have. I never had the feeling that I was letting her down or that I had to be of support to her. Not if I preferred to hang out with friends or on the day I announced my move at 18. My best friend was different. For example, when I went on a year abroad, she was crying in my arms. And that was exactly the right thing to do. Still, it was a good thing my mother didn't do the same. She proudly smiled at me and let me go with a good feeling. “Take off and make the world more beautiful!” She told me and I took off.

At some point everything will change - for sure

Before everyone screams: I'm not talking about grown children, I'm talking about children. Even if my opinion is perhaps a bit unpopular, I am simply sure that children can only orient themselves well to parents if they can find them completely uncool, totally stupid or even uninteresting. Without the guilty conscience that you immediately have when you think your best friend is stupid. When children grow up, that changes again. Then the relationship between children and parents slowly tips into a balance that allows friendship in the classic sense. Sure, as a thirty-year-old I can handle it differently when mom blows off steam on dad or when I learn secrets that would have pulled the rug out from under my feet as a child. I know that because my mother has become a really wonderful friend of mine, because she sometimes complains about my father and because she confides in me secrets that I would not have been able to cope with as a child.

And then we'll take care of it

Fortunately, it will take me a long time to get that far, but at some point I'll take care of my mother (of course my father, too, but we're not talking about him right now). Quite honestly: I think then we children are the ones who have to let go at the right time and not be too attached to the friendly aspect that binds us together. If my mother might at some point become forgetful or will know that she won't be around much longer, then I don't want her to feel like she is abandoning me as her friend. No, I want to be able to say with a smile: “Take off, mom, without a guilty conscience and be sure: You have made the world, especially mine, much more beautiful!” And yes, maybe that's a kind of friendship . But maybe the matter of mothers and daughters is something else and much bigger, more complicated and more confusing than the word "friendship" could ever describe.